Proceedings from the first annual conference of the Special Special Interest Group on Harry Q. Bovik and his research is comprised of 35 white papers distributed across four tracks. The humor contained within bridges the non-chalant riffing of E1 with the technical details I miss from interning on the Coding Boat.

I evaluate these white papers loosely, based on their (1) zaniness or perceived humor, (2) execution, (3) effort, (4) citations.

Introduction/Message from the planning committee, 8/10

• Introduces some characters, sets the satirical tone

A non-judgmental reconstruction of drunken logic

formalization of drunken logic, with applications, origins, and extensions.

• Zane: 6
• Execution: 7
• Effort: 7
• Citations: 10
• Total: 7.5

Morality, amorality, and truth irrelevance in nihilistic type theory

an abstract on nihilism.

• Zane: 4
• Execution: 4
• Effort: 3
• Citations: 0
• Total: 2.75

Bipolar Logic with Lithium

An abstract by Daniel K. Lee who distinguishes himself in this first installment of proceedings as a strong academic.

• Zane: 6
• Execution: 4
• Effort: 4
• Citations: 1
• Total: 3.75

The Letter before Lambda is Hat: A Reconstruction of Church’s Hat Calculus

Explains that lambda calculus was an error brought about by type-setting miscommunication, explains how hat’s can be combined.

• Zane: 9
• Execution: 9
• Effort: 9
• Citations: 9
• Total: 9

A Diagrammatic Notation for F;

playing with the medium, encouraging us to shed the reliance on prose and move entirely to incomprehensible piles of syntax to “enhance visual appeal while maintaining the status quo of outside-repelling intimidation.

• Zane: 8
• Execution: 8
• Effort: 5
• Citations: 1
• Total: 5.5

First Impressions: A Modal Logic Designed Specifically to Confuse Undergraduates

uses a robot to prove his point.

• Zane: 8
• Execution: 8
• Effort: 5
• Citations: 5
• Total: 6.5

Towards an Evolutionary Next Generation Avian Carrier Internet Architecture

Presents an internet protocol for carrier pigeons. Filled with good puns and humor:

We In order to support an end-to-end model of security, the data on the flash disk can be encrypted by one-time-pad technology. We use paper scroll data storage technology to store the OTP on the other leg for nearly unbreakable security guarantees

• Zane: 9
• Execution: 9
• Effort: 9
• Citations: 9
• Total: 9

Compacting, Composting Garbage Collection

On recycling data structures rather than freeing them.

• Zane: 7
• Execution: 7
• Effort: 6
• Citations: 10 (cites other shitposters in the conference)
• Total: 7.5

C Dereferenced

• Zane: 5
• Execution: 5
• Effort: 3
• Citations: 0
• Total: 3.25

The G-unit Testing Harness: Achieving Source Code Street Cred

it’s what it sounds like, with lots of good quips:

We attempted to try out our tool on a user base of approximately 500 Java developers. however, due to the fact that we were constantly screaming ‘Wu Tang!’ And ‘Don’t bring those weak generics into my house!’ Most of the developers dropped out, therefore our current results are inconclusive.

• Zane: 9
• Execution: 10
• Effort: 9
• Citations: 10
• Total: 9.5

A Theft-Based Approach to 3d Object Acquisition

this is just a guide to stealing things, with acknowledgements to Frankie (Pen. State) and Big Joe (State Pen.) for key hints.

• Zane: 9
• Execution: 10
• Effort: 9
• Citations: 10
• Total: 9.5

Crash n’ Compile: A formalization and empirical study of developer productivity and software quality through intoxication

an abstract on durnken logic.

• Zane: 3
• Execution: 3
• Effort: 2
• Citations: 0
• Total: 2

Cycle Depletion – a Worldwide Crisis

Presents the idea that clock cycles are a finite resource.

• Zane: 8
• Execution: 5
• Effort: 5
• Citations: 5
• Total: 5.75

Abstracter Abstracts

• Zane: 8
• Execution: 8
• Effort: 0
• Citations: 0
• Total: 4 + 2

Qualitative Methods for Interagent Communication

one undergrads foray into PUA

• Zane: 9
• Execution: 10
• Effort: 9
• Citations: 10
• Total: 9.5

The Epistemology of Exploratory Empiricism: Science

linguistic banans

• Zane: 7
• Execution: 7
• Effort: 8
• Citations: 0
• Total: 6

Synchronistic Hyperparadigmatism

absolute nonsense

• Zane: 5
• Execution: 2
• Effort: 2
• Citations: 0
• Total: 2.25

A Systematic Evaluation of the Observed Degradation of Typesetting Technology in the 20th Century

Riffing on Knuth and the progression of typesetting technology. It references several real figures and papers, as well as one entirely fabricated paper on Mustard watches.

• Zane: 9
• Execution: 7
• Effort: 9
• Citations: 10
• Total: 8.75

Level-of-Detail Typesetting of Academic Publications

fractals, optimal footnotes, and paper organization. Tom Murphy VII is another banger contributor to this year’s proceedings

• Zane: 10
• Execution: 10
• Effort: 10
• Citations: 10
• Total: 10

Generalized Super Marios Bros. Is NP-Complete

hard to understand what he’s saying, but I like the vibe.

• Zane: 8
• Execution: 7
• Effort: 7
• Citations: 7
• Total: 7.25

Computer Computation: How to Detect Humans with Tests That Humans Can Generate and Grade

Really commits to the bit

• Zane: 9
• Execution: 9
• Effort: 10
• Citations: 6
• Total: 8.25

Static and Dynamic Typing Against Impending Robot Doom

‘Our opinion is that dynamic languages are dumb’

• Zane: 6
• Execution: 6
• Effort: 7
• Citations: 10
• Total: 7.25

A Type-Theoretic Interpretation of Robot Mind Language

cites Tom Murphy VII

• Zane: 5
• Execution: 2
• Effort: 1
• Citations: 5
• Total: 3.25

Toilet Paper Turing Machines

LET’S GOOOOOOO

• Zane: 10
• Execution: 10
• Effort: 10
• Citations: 0
• Total: 7.5

Mining power laws in Top 40 data: One-hit wonders aren’t all that wondrous

earnestposting in SIGBOVIK smh

• Zane: 7
• Execution: 7
• Effort: 3
• Citations: 0
• Total: 4.25

Presenting a Type System for Typed Presentations of Type System Representations

hell yeah, tessellate it again

• Zane: 9
• Execution: 10
• Effort: 10
• Citations: 8
• Total: 9.25

All your Trace Are Belong to Us

prose

• Zane: 9
• Execution: 7
• Effort: 4
• Citations: 0
• Total: 5

Fried Chicken Bucket Processes

this is what it’s all about. Projecting a muse onto a legitimate field and making a mockery of everything in the process.

• Zane: 8
• Execution: 7
• Effort: 9
• Citations: 10
• Total: 8.5

Manifest Adequacy

unrelated to the topic presented, the section headers are indexed by the number of beers the author consumed to that point when writing this paper.

• Zane: 8
• Execution: 10
• Effort: 7
• Citations: 0
• Total: 6.25

Methods and Uses of Graph Demoralization

More earnest posting, and funny too.

• Zane: 8
• Execution: 9
• Effort: 10
• Citations: 9
• Total: 9

Finding Nonsense in a Nineteenth Century Logic

(Abstract)

• Zane: 5
• Execution: 3
• Effort: 3
• Citations: 0
• Total: 2.75

A New Historical Analysis of /A/

“uh, theory”

• Zane: 5
• Execution: 8
• Effort: 9
• Citations: 9
• Total: 7.75

Wikiplia: The Free Programming Language That Anyone Can Edit

By god, I think Tom Murphy actually built this thing. It’s not that funny, but it’s real.

• Zane: 7
• Execution: 10
• Effort: 10
• Citations: 10
• Total: 9.25

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